Can't think of a more fitting way to start my 28th birthday than a quiet walk alone to the water, just me and a cup of coffee.
(and for the record, just as I was about to hit "publish" on this mobile post I noticed I'd titled it Gratitude to God. Which I guess in so many ways, it is. For this time, this space, this city, this life. For it all.) Truly, truly grateful.
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Dr. Pepper makes me burp the loudest. No joke! A quick story for you: Me: Good grief I just realized I'm super dehydrated, I need to chug some water...(reaches for a bottle of sparkling H2O).. Coworker 1, laughing: Girl, if you chug that you are gonna have a huge burp! Me: Haha I know, but I'm so thirsty and I like it better than flat! ...3 minutes later, I burp and coworker 1 and I full bellied crack up together. Coworker 2, in front of the whole company, with a straight face: I can't decide what's more annoying--your burps or your laugh. Ouch. Like...super ouch. OK. Let's shift my perspective for a second. I get it. It can be considered pretty icky when someone lets out a big ol' inappropriate burp and it certainly is a far cry from "lady like". Do I have to burp out loud? No, of course not. Does it hurt to hold it in? Yes, it actually does. Maybe I have some undiagnosed acid reflux issue I should get checked out; maybe I should excuse myself to the restroom every time I have to burp. But, in my slight defense, I work in a predominately male industry and my burping skills have become a running joke in the office; I'm the tiniest here, but I can burp the loudest (unless you ask my boss, who is endearingly but incorrectly convinced he can beat me in a contest). The phenomenal young men I work with have become like family to me and if I thought even for a moment that I was truly offending someone I would cease and desist on the burp front immediately, no questions asked. To be blunt--I would never, ever burp around guests or folks who weren't close to me. So I'm not hurt that he found my burp to be un-funny. If anything it's a lesson learned. The part that actually really stung? His calling my laugh annoying, as if it were something I could control even if I wanted to. I live to laugh and yes, I know my laughter is loud and slightly odd. But I also physically can't help it. It's just part of who I am. My laughter is an expression of joy that I feel inside--how could that ever be a negative thing? A sweet friend and Grateful Lifer reached out to me yesterday with a question pertaining to how I deal with folks who unnecessarily push negative judgement on you and I think my response to her can be applied to my situation above as well. I told her: "Something I've learned over the past few years is that people have a terrible habit of projecting their own insecurities in odd and hurtful ways and it is best to try and not take anything personally (I know I know--not the easiest!). At its core, negativity like you've experienced actually has nothing to do with you. I like to say that out loud: this has nothing to do with me. Phew! No need to carry that burden. Another persons judgements are their problems, not yours... It only matters that we are, just as you said, authentic and enjoying the journey. To me the haters are genuinely wasting their time. It matters most that someone like you can reach out to someone like me and we can make a connection. If I were a hot mama to be, that is what I'd want my child to take away from me--how many positive connections am I making? Am I continuing to be kind? Then I can close my eyes at night with peace in my heart." The truth is that my coworkers judgements ...or anyone else's, for that matter...really are his problems, not mine. Mental mantra on repeat: It is not my problem he doesn't like my laugh. It doesn't define anything. It isn't my burden to bear; it isn't my job to convince him otherwise or change myself to fit his mold. If someone offers me a gesture of negativity like this I have every right and every powerful ability to decline it. So, it looks like my burping days at work have come to an end. And that's really OK. I genuinely strive to make this a positive environment for everyone employed here and if that means taking my lady-likeness up a notch, then no worries. But my laughing days? Sorry, buddy. Those have just gotten started. So if you don't like it? I love ya, but you can put your noise canceling headphones back on while I continue to squeal, snort, giggle, no-sound-coming-out-but-defintiely-a-few-tears express my joy :) In Gratitude, Trish I walk home every day from work, rain or shine, a quick little 2.1 miles (partially up hill but not as bad as it sounds for SF). It's one of my favorite times of day--35 minutes of fresh air, phone calls to friends and great music in the headphones.
Yesterday I decided to take a detour on a whim to indulge in a peanut butter hot fudge sundae. Why, you might ask? Because I wanted to. And because I could. And because the combination of those two things plus the gloriousness that sometimes comes with adulthood freedoms gave me the green light. It was, unsurprisingly, totally worth it. Someone spent a few too many hours on the roofdeck not wearing any sunscreen (hint: not me). Welcome back to SF, Morv!
One of the things I miss most about Costa Rica? The food. Good grief, the food.... Anybody else suddenly really hungry?
In Gratitude, Trish In one week from today I turn 28 years young. Starting a fresh lap around the sun has me reflecting back on the most recent years of my life while also (excitedly!) pondering what's yet to be. For one thing, while I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be 5 years ago I am also...somehow...exactly where I thought I would be. It may seem odd that these notions can coexist, but it is deeply true for me. On one level I believed I would (still) be married. I believed I would be adorable puppy and small but cozy home owning. Agency working. Dinner party for couples hosting. In a pleasant routine-ing. I even believed I would be at some point in the baby making and family planning process, despite the concept of motherhood scaring the bajeezus outta me. But even as I type I know how hazy that vision of my future always actually was; how distant, disconnected and ill fitting it felt. It was never something I could fully grasp. It was like I could see it...but I couldn't ever feel it. On the other level, my most real visions--my gut affirming, easiest to breathe in visions--contained quiet mornings on a yoga mat laid across hard wood floors in small studio apartments. They contained solo travel and adventures across the globe where I met new, wonderful people. They included late nights of dancing, bottles of wine enjoyed in dynamic company, writing, mystery and passion filled, unexpected connections. And most importantly? They involved exploration and expansion of my spirit; they involved a relationship with God in a way that felt right for me. This glimpse of my future I kept mostly tucked away in the corner of my heart, where it felt the most safe and free of judgment from others. But it never faded. It was never fleeting or hazy. If I had the courage, I could hold it in the palm of my hands and marvel at its beauty. One of the coaches during my Costa Rica trip said something to me that struck me so profoundly it still gives me chills to think about. I hesitated posting about it here because of the personal nature and degree to which it has affected my spirit; it very well may be one of those things that you have to be there to hear to fully understand, you know? But, I think now is as good a time as any to share. In one of our group coaching sessions I was in the midst of quietly explaining the depths to which my regrets had been flooding me with guilt on a daily basis. To be honest, I hadn't planned on speaking at all during the session and only began talking when prompted in the final moments of the discussion. Suddenly, the oh so intuitive C's face (we'll call this lovely lady C for the sake of privacy) lit up and she interrupted me by saying "I'm sorry...I'm getting a download...I have to ask; do you want to be a mother?" Open the floodgates. Without hesitating I choked out through tears, "You know, I never used to. But now...now I desperately want to be a mommy." Hearing myself say those words shook me to my core--they were so raw and true and unknown to me in many ways. How had I not acknowledged this desire before? "Yea. I thought so. And you know what? You had to go through all of that for her." For her. Whoa. So, my 28th birthday is around the corner. I've outlined in my journal what the "perfect" June 20th, 2012 would specifically look like and I'm pretty proud to say my wish list came out really simply. That is to say, the desires that naturally came up (that's my favorite part of journaling--the ability to be real and raw over and over again) are all very simple--there is nothing unachievable or far reaching or overly selfish and superficial. There is mostly just a humble desire to be surrounded by love in various shapes and forms. To be in the moment and to sit comfortably and safely in whatever arises. And to be grateful for the gift of 28 years of life. It is so easy to spiral into negative thinking; to let regrets, jealousies, comparisons, worries of the unknown consume us. What am I doing with my life? Where is this headed? Why did that happen? Someone..please..anyone..tell me what was the point of it all and what exactly is yet to come. But where does this kind of thinking tend to lead us? No place I'd like to dwell, that's for sure. Maybe I will someday have a little girl like C's vision suggested. Maybe I'll be a mom with a partner or a mom flying solo. Maybe things were what they were and are what they are so that I can be the best mother I could possibly be. Or maybe the past 5 years had to unfold as they did for her in the sense of my own spirit. She is me and I am her--and for her, I now know I would do anything. I know it is my divine right to do anything for her. Either way, the point is that it was worth it. It was all worth it. Regardless of where my path leads me I can know it is exactly as it should be so long as I live in a space of faith, love, kindness and gratitude... ...So long as I continue to muster the courage to hold the authentic corners of my heart in the palms of my hands and marvel at their beauty. Pretty good place to start 28, don't ya think? love and light, Trish J'adore this couple in the park. Especially the Harry Potter book she's reading, equipped with a token library jacket on it :)
25 years ago today, my favorite person on the planet was born. And 25 years later, I love her even more fiercely than I did the first time I held her. She grew from the tiny nugget you see above into quite the stubborn little lady--asserting her sass and a "where the heck did that come from?" attitude in unexpected ways. She spent summers with fruit punch stains on the fair skin above her upper lip and swimming like a duck; her tiny little booty hilariously bobbing above water while she practiced her strokes. She spent winters in zip up footie pajamas and listening to Christmas music long before (and after) the actual holiday. She then grew into her own; finding her passion in horses at a young age and committing to it with all of her heart and soul. She is the poster child for following whatever it is that makes your pulse race and I am both incredibly proud and envious of her for this. She will be an amazing mother someday.
Belle- We are the quintessential June-baby Gemini twins; oh so opposite in some ways, delightfully identical in others. You are a reminder of all things home should represent. You are giggles and cuddles and hours upon hours of imagination expanding play. You are kind and good. You are loving and lovable. You are a blessing above all blessings to have as a sister and friend. You are, frankly, the best gift Mom and Dad ever gave me. I love you wholly, fully, unconditionally, immensely. Always here for you, no matter what. Your big sis, T |
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